Regina M Griego
Descanso’s - A Drumming Journey
As the drumming began and I felt my body sink into the floor and allowed myself to relax, I listened to the words of the Shaman, “Seek your power animal, let your imagination drift…” Soon the drums put me into a meditative state. At first I saw what looked like buffalo then a parade of a bunch of other animals almost like they were in a talking circle; owl, coyote (or wolf), and eagle. Then raven came and flew around as if he wanted me to follow him. He joined a flock then asked me to fly with him, “I can’t” I replied, “lift your feet” he said flying ahead, so I did, like a plane lifting landing gear. I took off flying over to the river, the trees below outlined the river. We went to Craig, my brother’s house, coming down on the roof of the house. I told raven I wasn’t sure I wanted to be there. He said I had to see and that it was important. I flew with him through the extra apartment, the garage, the barn, the extra rooms behind the garage and barn. Then he led me inside as we went in the familiar kitchen entrance, we went around the countertop island and I shuttered like something was under there. Raven started pecking at the end of the island. I didn’t want to get too close. Part of me wanted to check under the cabinets, but I didn’t like the energy in my body.
I coaxed raven away and he went up to the ceiling and we went into Jan and Angie’s room. I told raven “I want to honor the girls”, “draw a circle” was his reply. I drew a circle, interrupted by a three headed serpent that was rattling away, talking and talking their heads off in the corner of the room. I’m not sure what they were saying, but they made me uncomfortable and I told raven I wanted to go to Jeff and Sabrina. I was in the hall looking in the direction of Sabrina’s room and I saw Jeff’s face. I kind of danced or jumped toward the bedroom with the sound of the drum. On my way there I saw Angie as if she was an angel, translucent. As I got closer to the bedroom, Jeff went away. I looked into the room…on the far wall I saw Sabrina’s body drop to the floor then go up. Again I asked, “how can I honor them,” in particular I wanted to honor Jeff because he saw Jeremiah, who he idealized, kill him. I looked up and saw Sabrina holding Jeff almost like a Madonna figure in a Pieta pose, and she said, “he’s ok, I’m comforting him.” I asked her “how can I honor you”, she replied “a red rose” …”do you want more than one?” I asked, ”one is enough” she replied. “What about Jeff” I asked with no real reply. The only thing that came to mind was a drumstick because Jeff so eagerly learned to play drums from his big brother Jeramiah. I laid the rose down with the drumstick across it and bowed my head to leave. I looked around the room trying to think of what else I could do. I saw the walls in sparkling white.
Looking at raven I asked, “are you my power animal?” He shook his head ‘no’. Then he disappeared and a black panther appeared, I asked the same question. She gave me a growl in the affirmative. I said, “what about my brother, I want to honor him.” We went downstairs and I asked, “how can I honor him?” she said “give him your heart” so I put a red heart that came from panther in the place where my brother died. The heart looked very red against panther’s black fur.
It was time to leave and panther led me out to the river and started running, asking me to follow. I was having trouble keeping up, “I can’t keep up” I panted, so she put me on her back. We ran and ran along the river north toward my house, to the beach area that I walked to often. She took me off her back and started licking me, in particular my feet and my heart like I was her cub. Her tongue was very dark pink and it stood out against her black fur. The vision ended there.
When he drummed fast signifying the end of the journey, I went backward through the vision as instructed. I experienced the same shudder in my body at that island countertop area. It was a repulsion, like it was evil, and it lingered.
This was in February a month after my nephew (age 15) shot his father, mother, and three siblings; I became my nephew’s guardian after the deaths of my family. I then carefully prepared the descanso’s. For the girls a pair of fabric lilies and at the stem I created an ‘ojo de dios’ (eye of God) with a stick crossing the stem and yarn strung in the cross. For Jeff a drumstick and for Sabrina a deep red rose made of satin. About six weeks later, I went to my brother’s house where the deaths occurred to lay down the descanso’s. I went with my husband, a Curandera friend, and my cousin. We smudged the house with sage, in particular where the island was, and performed ceremony as I lay the descanso’s down. In the girls’ room, the place of their death, I drew a circle, not entirely closed as advised by the Curandera, in the circle I put my offering of lilies and prayed for the girls, though I already knew they ascended to heaven. Next I went to my brother and Sabrina’s room, where Sabrina and Jeff died, I drew a heart with a peace sign, I placed the rose across the heart and the drumstick across the rose. I added some wire with more hearts. I rattled and we chanted for a while before leaving to place my brother’s descanso. With reverence we walked down the stairs, at the base of the step the floorboards were missing, something the special cleaning crew did to remove all the blood-stained items, including the carpets in the bedrooms. I had prepared a special heart made with two pieces of red felt fabric. I filled it with mementos and a letter to my brother along with a copy of a special letter I wrote him over 30 years earlier that we found in the house after their deaths near his personal items. I sewed the two pieces together with pearl thread and used pearl buttons to put a cross on the top and a button with the Virgen de Guadalupe. My brother had a tattoo of the Virgen on his back, which was his bane once he became an Evangelical Christian. I talked to him for a while and asked for guidance with Jeremiah. We all said prayers and good-byes.
Bio
Regina has been writing poetry since high school, mostly during times of trouble and transition. After retiring from a long career as an engineer, Regina is in the fermentation stage of becoming a memoirist. Her ancestry is from New Mexico going back 400 years and this work represents her journey through healing and supporting her nephew who shot and killed his father (Regina’s brother), mother and three siblings at age 15.