LeVar “Var” Lawrence
LeVar “Var” Lawrence was born and raised in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. While other children were out playing, Var spent countless hours inside nurturing a love of drawing. A lifelong love of visual arts was born. At the age of 28, Var was shot over a dice game dispute that left him paralyzed from the neck down. An active family man, Var is kept going by his children; Shaequan Lawrence, LeVon Lawrence, Lequan Lawrence, Lequasiah Lawrence, Leshea Lawrence, Varnaeshiah Lawrence, and LeVar Lawrence. Today, Var is a core member of the OPEN DOORS Design Team, using bold graphics to creatively inspire and uplift community. His poetry has been published in Wheeling & Healing: A Poetry Anthology Edited by OPEN DOORS Reality Poets.
Stories
Visual Art
Poems
Black History
I ain’t found out what’s wrong with my city yet
To white cops, black skin be the biggest threat
They’ll shoot up a church but will kill you for some cigarettes
You can still put your hands up and they’ll shoot you while you’re surrendering
Body after body, and yet still no rendering
But to them, every black man is up to no good
Especially if they see you with your hands in your pockets and your head under a hood
Just My Thoughts
There be days that I wish that I got shot in my head
Instead I’m fucking stuck in this hospital bed
Could of left me in a pool that was all red
Instead I’m left with a body that’s half dead
Only if he had raised his arm about an inch or two
I wouldn’t have to be telling my story to you
There be days that I wake up feeling blue
There be days that I wake up feeling blue
I can’t even teach my son how to play ball
Or pick up and run if he needs me at the drop of a call
Is this a punishment for all the wrong that I did?
Now I’ve been sentenced to this wheelchair doing a life-sentence bid
And some nigga is fucking my chick
While I’m waiting for the nurse to come and wash my dick
There be days that I wish that I got shot in my head
Instead, I’m fucking stuck in a hospital bed
Could have left me in a pool that was all red
Instead, I’m left with a body that is half-dead
Only if you could feel my pain you’d know how I feel
To wake up with a body that can’t feel
To drop something on the floor and you can’t kneel
To have an orange in your hand that you can’t peel
To wake up feeling that you don’t care about yourself
Or not even give two fucks about your own health
To wish you were lying six feet deep, thinking to yourself this can’t be life
Then having thoughts about ending your own life
Damn! There be days that I wished that I got shot in my head
Instead, I’m fucking stuck in a hospital bed
Why couldn’t he leave me in a pool that was all red?
Instead, I’m fucking stuck with a body that is half-dead
Something About Me
They say that I ride around and that I don’t have no respect
How would you feel if you were shot in your neck?
Laying on the ground trying not to take your last breath
Trying not to close your eyes because sleep is the cousin of death
Can’t believe that you’ve just been shot in front of your son
While you’re on the floor watching the person that shot you run
I was laying on the floor gasping for air
Looking at the faces of people that I can tell didn’t care
They were hoping that I didn’t put up a fight
Only because they wanted to see me die on that night
Ambulance comes about 30 minutes late
Wondering to yourself will this be your fate
People asking did anyone call his baby mother
Police whispering in my ear
“You should’ve died motherfucker!”
Thinking to yourself that this is the end
And can’t believe that I was shot by somebody
Who was supposed to be a friend
He better hope that this is the end of my life
Having thoughts about killing him and his wife
Waking up to handcuffs and wondering why
While family members have tears in their eyes
I had drugs in one pocket and a gun in the other
Tears rolling down the face of my mother
Doctor comes in shaking his head
Telling me that I will never walk and will be stuck in the bed
Told me that I needed a trache in my neck to help me breathe
Visiting hours over
Don’t want my baby mother to leave
Then looking up in the sky asking God why
Did he save me and just didn’t let me die
At that moment he spoke and said, “You’re special to me.
I have more in store for you
Just wait you’ll see.”
I told him that I didn’t want to hear that shit
Unless he’s giving me the ability to walk
He said, “My child, I just gave you back the ability to talk!”
Now, I just gave y’all part of my life to see
I know nothing about you but now you know a little bit about me
Change of Heart
Why couldn’t God just ease my pain and let me die?
Have people at my funeral with tears in their eyes
Screaming out why
Why couldn’t he just open up the gates and let me in
I would’ve promised not to sin
I’m lying
I’d be up there passing around cups of gin
Asking the angels can I put just the tip in
Be up there having parties every night
Taking bets on who’s gonna win the fight
I’d have God looking at me shaking his head
While I’m laying with two of his angels in bed
Boy, would I have the time of my life?
But then I’d start thinking about how I left my kids and my wife
Now I’m praying to God that he saves my life
So I can be around to watch my kids grow
And teach my sons things about the streets that they don’t know
To make sure that my daughters don’t end up with the wrong man
Let them know what they’re worth and that they need a ring on their hand
Well, remember me God?
The one that got shot in the Head?
I’ve changed my mind
Because what use am I to my kids if I was dead
I
Everyday I think about how I lay on that cold pavement
Bleeding to death trying not to see that hospital basement
Trying my best not to go towards that light
Don't want to die tonight ... This is my hardest fight
The last thing that I heard was the shot of that gun
As I lay on the floor watching the people around me run
At first I thought that I was just shot in my head
And I would lay there bleeding up until I was dead
This isn't the first time that I've felt how a shell burned
I was gripped up that night but that pussy shot me while I had my head turned
He knew it would be over if I had a chance to grab my gun
But that MTF waited until I had my head turned
And then he shot me in front of my own son
Now I'm on the floor fighting for my life
Laying on the floor all I can think about is my kids and my wife
I can hear my friends screaming at the ambulance
Hurry up and get him off the floor
While I'm trying to stay away from the light that's coming from a door
I heard an undercover say he's dead just put him under a sheet
All I could do was lay there and stare at his feet
Please God help me I don't want to die tonight
I've been through many battles but this is my hardest fight
II
So much pain inside me
I can explain through my pen.
So many incidents
I don't know where to begin.
Should I tell about the time
I ran away from home,
From my mother?
Or maybe about that day I had an argument
And tried to kill my own brother?
I could talk about all the people
Who stabbed me in my back.
Or how I used to hate it
When I sold my uncle crack.
I could talk about that day
God took away my 1st son,
Or about the 1st time
I stared down the barrel of a gun
Maybe I should talk about how many people I trusted
Before they turned their backs on me,
Or how I wished at one point one of my kids’ mother
Would have just settled for plan b
I could write about each and every time
That I made my mother cry,
Or about when I got paralyzed
And how I wished I would die.
There's so much pain inside of me
That I can express through my pen
Where the fuck do I begin?